You Are Killing Me!

You Are Killing Me! is a novel-length book of fiction for young adults based on the struggles faced by 17 year-old Matt at home, at school, and in his peer group. Matt's father beats him, his mother, and his two younger brothers regularly. His mother and grandmother are paralyzed by fear and are unable to put a stop to this. Matt's mother develops an addiction to Valium as a way to cope with the violence at home. Unbeknownst to her, Matt also develops a dependence on this drug, after seeing his mother take a couple every night from two pill bottles in the bathroom medicine cabinet. Whenever Matt can't fall asleep or whenever he is feeling stressed, he takes one or two pills. He likes the feeling of being stoned and floating off to sleep.

Matt has been depressed for the past year, and has withdrawn from his friends. His school attendance and grades are dropping, and he is experiencing rapid mood swings. But he is the primary caretaker for his brothers and mother and as such has some sense of meaning in his life. He manages to carry on each day despite his struggles. He is resilient. He drops out of the school swim team after being defeated in the provincial swimming competition in Toronto. His best friend Charlie is on the team and tries to convince him to stay on the team. Matt explodes on his Coach and accuses him of being a bully. In fact, the Coach is a decent man who just does not know how to help Matt.

Matt takes his two younger brothers to their Grandma's after each episode of violence at home. She does not think her son, Matt's father, is capable of the violence that the boys speak of, but nonetheless she is a major protective factor in their lives. She has taken the boys in on many occasions. Her character evolves throughout the book and in the end she comes to understand the father's violence and she tells the boys she believes them.

When the school principle makes a report to the Children's Aid Society because teachers have noticed bruising and welts on the brothers, the two younger boys get taken into foster care. After Matt asks the CAS social worker to help his mother deal with his father's violence, Matt loses his sense of purpose. The story climaxes when Matt carefully plans his suicide attempt. He researches on the internet how many Valium and how much alcohol it will take to kill himself. He writes a suicide letter to Charlie and another one to his mother. A short time after he downs the pills and alcohol, Charlie discovers him. Matt is comatose and close to death. Charlie calls 9-1-1 and Matt is saved by the heroic Doctors and nurses at the hospital.

Matt must spend two weeks in the adolescent lock-up ward because he remains suicidal and is unable to convince his psychiatrist that he has a will to live. He makes one attempt to run away from the hospital but is tackled by security guards. His intense dislike of being locked up, and seeing that his family can get help from others besides himself, prompts him to decide to turn his life around. He is able to demonstrate to his doctors and other hospital staff that he is motivated to live, and as a result is transferred to the unlocked youth ward a few days after his attempted escape. His mother kicks his dad out of the family and CAS agrees to return Matt's brothers back home to his mother's care. Matt's resiliency shines through as he gets help for his depression. His mother and grandmother demonstrate tremendous growth when confronting his father on his abusive behavior, and the masculine identities of Matt and his two brothers evolve as a result.

This is a riveting story that explores the relationship between domestic violence and mental health. The abusive father leaves his eldest son with only one option - suicide - after he feels helpless to protect his family. It is appropriate for young adults and is an excellent foundation for class discussions on related topics.