Paul Murphy's Extremely Unlikely History of the World - Part Two

.
Paul Murphy's Extremely... etc...

The second volume of Paul Murphy's surrealist take on the origins and histories of the country's of the world. Following on from Book One, this takes us from New Zealand through to Zambia, paying homage to the Goons, Python, Airplane, farce, Freud and .... oh, all sorts. And all comedy compass points in-between.

Read the next bit, then keep going to get a free sample...

Did Captain Cook fail to bring Queen Victoria home a moa because they were masters of disguise? Or because she had not been born yet?
Which country is made out of custard?
If it took Columbus several voyages to discover the New World, is that why Mrs Columbus always went to sleep so frustrated?
Were Spanish cave paintings a huge disappointment to the dweller, who came home and pointed out "We only wanted two coats of magnolia, we've put the cave on the market and we've got a viewing tomorrow morning..."
...and will Sweden ever forgive the author...

Here's some of the Cook bit [recounted from his dairy]
Me [Capt Cook]: "So hello again Chief - have you got the moa you promised me?"
Chief: "Er... I did have, James. It seems to have gone missing during the night though."
Me: "Oh no!"
Chief: "Oh yes. Lovely one it was too. Beautiful plumage."
Me: "'Beautiful plumage...?' ... where have I heard that to before?* And is there any way you can get it back for me?"
Chief: "Oh, we can certainly try. Here, Okk-a-noww, have you seen that moa that we had here yesterday anywhere?"
Okk-a-noww: "Which one was it again?"
Chief: "We only had one. So, that one."
O-a-N: "Remind me what it looked like."
Chief: "Well, it had a beak, feathers, and was 12 feet high."
O-a-N: "Can you be more specific?"
Chief: "It had a beak, feathers, was 12 feet high, and wasn't a fish."
O-a-N: "Was it blue?"
Chief: "No."
O-a-N: "Oh. Well, no, then."
Me: "Have you got a blue one!?"
O-a-N: "No. Have you looked for it, Chief?"
Chief: "Oh yes, we've looked everywhere. Twice."
O-a-N: "Have you looked behind Mrs Gugg-oo-nok's sofa? Easily startled, moas are. Back of the sofa makes a good hiding place. I found an ostrich down the back of mine once. Or was it a walrus? Which one tastes like walrus?"
Chief: "Walrus."
Okk-a-noww: "It was an ostrich then. The walrus was in the shed. Make nice pets, walruses. Very loyal. Used to take mine for walks in the morning. Even after it died. Lovely way to start the day."
Me: "Look, can we get back to the moa? Three times I've sailed all the way from England to get one, last time you promised me faithfully you'd have one the next time I came."
* yes, that's right.
Chief: "Well we did. Turned up the day after you left the last time. What are the odds! We fed it, watered it, plaited its feathers, even taught it how to beg. Then I looked out the window this morning and its basket was empty, not a sign of it. Ungrateful bird."
Me: "How many men have you got out looking for it?"
Chief: "Uhm, let me see. Counting Tag-Nu-Wah, that would make it, uh, one."
Me: "One! That's not many!"
Chief: "Well, Tag-Nu-Wah has got very good eyesight."
Me: "Where's he looking?"
Chief: "Up the trees in the far forest."
Me: "Up trees? How is a 12-foot-long, 510-lb flightless bird going to get up a tree!"
Chief: "With a ladder."
O-a-N: "It might be a tree."
Me: "What do you mean, 'It might be a tree'?"
O-a-N: "You forgot the italic."
Me: "Sorry. What do you mean, 'It might be a tree'?"
O-a-N: "Masters of disguise, moa are. That's why it took us so long to find this one. There it was, bold as brass, wandering around the village disguised as Mrs Grak-k